MY EXPERIENCE WITH WEIGHT GAIN

From a very young age, I was conditioned to believe that a woman should be as small as possible.

From the magazine pages I flipped through as a child that demeaningly detailed the ‘shocking’ weight gain of my favourite celebrities, to the relentless Weight Watchers campaigns that filled the after-school ad slots on TV,
one thing was abundantly clear to me; society valued a woman's thinness.

The tighter I clung to this belief, the more my body weight would fluctuate.

As the pressure to shrink myself triggered feelings of immense shame and self-loathing, I would turn to food for comfort.

The more I told myself that I shouldn’t be the way that I was, the more out of control I felt around food.

It took until my mid-twenties to realise the detriment that diet culture had on my eating habits and my relationship with my body.

At this time, I began the process of unlearning these beliefs; of healing my relationship with food and myself.

As I ate with freedom and without guilt, the restriction stopped.
Because the restriction stopped, the bingeing stopped.

As a result of intuitive and mindful eating habits, I inadvertently lost weight.

My weight remained relatively stable (weight will naturally fluctuate day-to-day, week-to-week) for four years.

In March of this year, I signed up for my first powerlifting competition in 5 years and I had a decision to make:

1. I could compete at my current weight, and be in a lighter weight class than I had previously competed in.
2. I could intentionally gain weight, and lift in my regular weight class.

I based my decision on this:
I wanted to feel and be as strong as possible.

The best way to achieve this would be to eat in a surplus; to gain weight.

And so, my intentional weight gain journey began.

Over the course of 3 months, I gained over 4 kilos.

Although I had done so much work on my relationship with food and my body, I was surprised to find that there were still moments of fear.

There were days where my clothes were tighter on my body.

There were moments where I was worried about what people would think.

There were times where I felt self-conscious.

But through every single one of those moments, I was able to hold space for my emotions, still moving through the process with clarity.

I knew that the lower body image days were a result of a lifetime of conditioning; of being taught that gaining weight was ‘wrong’.

That it wasn’t a reflection of what was best for me or my body, but instead, was a reflection of what I was taught was ‘acceptable’ by society.

And although I truly and wholeheartedly believe that a woman's worth is not in how much she weighs, I was surprised to find how deep the roots of that conditioning had embedded itself into my subconscious mind.

I would NEVER have these thoughts about a friend, a family member, or a client.

Yet I found it surprisingly easy to feel this way about myself.

I learnt so many things throughout this process, but here are just a few:

1. No matter how much healing you’ve done, the healing never stops. My favourite saying is ‘NEW LEVEL, NEW DEVIL’. Every time you level up, there will be a new trigger, emotion, or experience to work through.

2. Body image fluctuates. I understood this logically before, but I had to anchor myself differently when I saw the number on the scale increase every week. The aim isn't to never have a negative body image day ever again. But instead, to hold space for yourself in those moments, with an understanding that those feelings will pass.

3. Always think of the ‘why’ behind your actions; remember WHY you started your journey in the first place, and continue to pull yourself back to that.

4. Everybody struggles with their body image from time to time (yes, even your coach).

5. My experiences, and my ability to be transparent and honest about those experiences, have made me a better coach.

SO… We are now in May.

My competition is over and I had no plans to compete again in the immediate future.

I also have no intention to lose the weight that I gained.

Because despite the moments of discomfort, there are many more worthwhile aspects of my weight gain that keep me grounded:

I feel stronger.
I feel more energised.
I feel powerful.
I feel sexy.
I feel resilient.
I feel connected to my body.
And by working through my feelings (rather than letting them stop me), I now feel more comfortable in my body than ever before.

So whether you have intentionally or unintentionally gained weight, please know this:

- How you feel in your body is far more important than any number on the scale.

- In moments of discomfort, hold space for your emotions without allowing them to dictate your behaviour. Emotionally charged moments shouldn’t prompt you to eat, move, or live in a way that doesn’t actually serve you.

- Understand that the diet culture conditioning we experienced runs deep, but we can ALWAYS choose a different path for ourselves.

- Focus on what your body can do, rather than how it looks.

- And regardless of what that little voice in your head says, you are ALWAYS worthy.

Lot’s of love,
Claudia XX